The Confusing and Nightmare-Inducing Costumes of ShopMascot.com

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So, you're shopping for a mascot costume?
It's Halloween, so maybe you want to take your costume to the next level, or maybe you're the coach of a High School sports team.
Or maybe you're a small-business owner, looking to have one of your teen employees stand on the street corner and dance around in a costume to really "bring in the customers".
Or maybe you just want to purchase a Cookie Monster costume so you can dance to Prince albums in the privacy of your own home. Hey, you work hard for a living, you deserve a little "me" time!
Whatever your reason for purchasing a mascot costume, the people at ShopMascot.com are there for you. With the website offering page after page of costume options, there is seemingly something for every need.
You have your common costumes, like Bugs Bunny, Minnie Mouse and Pikachu. And credit to ShopMascot - some of these outfits are really nice! Look at this one!You could pop that baby on and jump into the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and no one would be the wiser. (CLE Weekend does not condone trying to do this.)
Other site offerings, however, are not so...high quality. Some of these costumes range from the slightly odd, somewhat busted, to the aggressively horrifying and/or mystifying.
Here is a sampling of some of the more bizarre finding at ShopMascot. Please do not wear them around small children.

ALL OF THE GARFIELDS

You have multiple Garfield costumes to choose from, and ALL OF THEM ARE WEIRD.
What version would you desire? The one where the eyes are too small? The one where the eyes are too big, and also he has licorice stuck in his head? The one where everything is kind of proportional, but there isn’t enough face? Or the real-world crossover “Tale of Two Kitties” Bill Murray-voiced monstrosity? (The website calls this version, with no explanation, the “Adorkable” style.)
Why not purchase all four, and wind up on some kind of government watch list?

HAND

Well, here’s some Halloween Cronenberg-style body horror for you! A big, faceless hand with two other identical hands sticking out of it.
It’s a piece that, like all good art, raises as many questions as it answers.
If the hand has two smaller hands, do we consider the big hand the “head”, or is it simply a larger, unseeing hand? What does the red-tipped pinkie finger represent? And where does “hand” fit into God’s larger plan for the universe?

AVOCADO

Not just an avocado, an avocado with a BACKSTORY.
“Hey kid, it’s me an avocado! I’m a great source of potassium, more than a banana! It’s a fact a lot of people don’t know…What?
Oh, this? Yeah, I’ve got an eye patch all right. How did I lose my eye? Well, that’s a story we don’t have to get into now. Maybe you’d like to hear about where I come from? It’s a long journey to your home state!
No? You want to hear about the eye? (sighs, looks around) Okay, kid, but don’t tell your mom I let you in on this story, okay? I was in a gambling den in Marrakesh, playing a little game called Seven-Card Stud…”

YELLOW CUTE EASTER BUNNY BUG RABBIT

“Yellow Cute Easter Bunny Bug Rabbit”. That’s the name of this costume on the site. Even they don’t know what this is, and they made the thing.

LEMON

Do not sign ANY contract this lemon hands you.
If the shifty eyebrows, and leering smile aren’t enough to give you pause, the picture is taken in whatever skeezy warehouse he asked you to meet him.

HAPPY HANK

I’m guessing they named him “Happy Hank”, because “Happy Steve Guttenberg” is too litigious. Or “Happy Albert Brooks”. Or “Happy Early Era Howie Mandel”.
Pretty much any “Happy white-guy-fro from the 80’s”.

ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH

Not only does this only faintly look like any electric toothbrush you might buy, can we all agree these things need faces?
A huge object with arms and legs just looks like it was enchanted by an enormous evil wizard.

BROWN SHOE

Yup, totally looks like a “Brown Shoe”. Nothing else. Nope.
Keep moving.

BASEBALL MONKEY HEAD

HAHAHA! BASEBALL MONKEY HEAD!
Take THAT, Ohio State fans! Some costume designer in LA thinks that your beloved Buckeye looks like an earless, tailless monkey, and dressed it in Nana’s favorite teddy bear nightshirt! What a burn!

ADULT EEL

“Hey bro! It’s me Adult Eel! Just an all around cool eel with a sweet head of hair who loves to play soccer reminding YOU to say no to drugs!”

OYSTER

I give up.
It’s a pretty cute “oyster” (that looks a lot more like a clam, but whatever), but it’s in a stereotypical Mexican outfit? Is that a thing I don’t know about?  A “Mexican Oyster”? That sounds like a reference I’m better off going to the grave never knowing.
I can’t do this anymore. You win, ShopMascot.